Shifters, test chapter.

Miscelanious Short Stories
SYED
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by SYED » Fri Dec 27, 2013 5:26 am

So is this like a prologue, or is it simply the begining of the story.
.S.A.M.K.M

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GBLW
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by GBLW » Fri Dec 27, 2013 2:20 pm

SYED wrote:So is this like a prologue, or is it simply the begining of the story.
The title says it all - it's a test chapter, so that would mean it is test (knowing what little I do of Fel, it's probably a test of intelligence) :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
K Pelle aka GBLW
My recent stories are available at: http://www.grynenbayritpublications.com/

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Wolfee
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by Wolfee » Fri Dec 27, 2013 9:35 pm

I liked it and I would like to see more.... After the Karinne Saga is finished and after a trip back to Sennadar to finish off Legacy.

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crxbnt
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by crxbnt » Sat Dec 28, 2013 12:59 am

I would certainly read more of this! Reads well, has lots of potential avenues, and promises not to be dull!

Thanks for sharing Fel.

Terry
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by Terry » Sun Dec 29, 2013 8:30 pm

Again very good. this is another great series that I will have to read. :D :D :D

Terry

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khyranleander
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by khyranleander » Mon Dec 30, 2013 8:31 pm

Pardon beforehand, but I'm trying to give a decent critique without giving away a lot. I hope I balance this well enough.

Like the first parts before the flashback, as they do well to give a nice foreshadowing of his personality and social problems. However, you have a narrative flashback, what might be deemed a flashback WITHIN a flashback, and follow both up with a fairly lengthy narrative section. Admittedly, a lot of that is necessary information before getting into the meat of the action, but I'd recommend detailing more of the mundane activities throughout the day in between the sections; perhaps more incidents of why he so disliked the town as a whole, instead of his initial local nemesis & the place's mere location. You at least have two other characters built-in to illustrate the problems -- a certain pair of siblings -- so drop them in earlier, them and their clique. Then again, I'm not sure which way you're leaning with them: they're so otherwise hostile, but he spurs their curiosity about things related to him? I know Rafe's view is skewed, but perhaps either hint at more mixed signals or some such?

I'm not certain I'm unbiased enough to give good critique on the truck incident, but for what it's worth, I REALLY found the outcome satisfying!

The bulk of the story hits its stride quite well from here, as far as I'm concerned. I do note that several sections after this point -- such as with the folks who come to town after Rafe leaves -- cover most of the long intro-narrative's high points adequately for this stage of the story, so might allow you to trim the earlier section down. The story works quite well until the scene with the guy who "was speaking Portuguese" (should be able to search out that phrase). Let's just say that locker room doors usually open facing a wall shortly behind them, at least a short, narrow section -- usually much narrower than the rest of the locker room. Consider the physics of that. Otherwise, I noticed no other significant faults, continuity or otherwise.

The story looks great, man! Frankly, while I have NO PROBLEM!!! with anything else you've written, this feels somewhat different from your other work, which should be quite intriguing. Look forward to when you get around to it... though, I'm with several others on my priorities. More Inception & Earth Bond first!

Thanks for all your great stuff!
KB

untimelyhenry
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by untimelyhenry » Thu Jan 02, 2014 3:16 am

I should have known better than to read this. Unfortunately it was necessary to feed my addiction. Now I'll just have more cravings. Criticisms follow; I hope they're conveyed constructively.

* I thought it would have been useful to tie in a bit of Rafael's view on the necklace when it became an important part of the plot; I felt like I must have missed something earlier in the story, or disregarded it; I felt its existence was short on context.
* I noticed a 'Sam' in there that seemed to refer to Rafael.
* The relationship between Arcadians, Jinns and Angels was described, but how Shifters fit in is still a mystery. I expect you're holding that back intentionally, but I'm struggling with the gap. I wonder if you might have been able to address the issue while still keeping the reader in the dark. Sorry this point is kinda vague.

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mjkj
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by mjkj » Thu Jan 02, 2014 2:05 pm

Thanks, Fel, I definitely want to read more of this story now... :)

PS: Happy new year (even though it is a day late) :)

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pfors
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by pfors » Fri Jan 03, 2014 1:46 pm

I like it so far. Though I'd like a main character to be a little less perfect. Some personality flaws are generally a good thing (and allows for some cheap character development down the line ;) .

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AgCOtter
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by AgCOtter » Sun Jan 05, 2014 3:42 am

Ok. Once again I am happy to have found this website. A new story, going in yet another direction. Great. The drama, suspense, and intrigue are good elements of the story, and I believe that this will form the basis of a great story. The portion with the his extended family is open to development in later chapters if there is to be any tie in with those 4 individuals. Is his aunt hiding anything that is relevant to what ever is being searched for? I would say that his aspirations regarding baseball are pretty much shot, and as such he will need to strike toward normalizing his life. If and how and when he can do that should be interesting. How you are going to go about that is worth waiting for. The different races involved and the relationship betwixt and between, and his involvement is something I think will be expanded as the story unfolds.

Good start. Look forward to your expansion of this subject.

Thanks for the Christmas present, and I hope all have a safe, prosperous, and Happy New Year!
"Let's be Very Careful out there people!"

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dellstart
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by dellstart » Mon Jan 06, 2014 12:59 am

I enjoyed it. Its Not Subjugation, buts it a good read.
OK sue me , but what exactly is this based on ?

wburch
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by wburch » Mon Jan 06, 2014 3:24 am

Great start on the new story. I am looking forward to the next chapter.

bjeane
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by bjeane » Fri Jan 10, 2014 1:27 am

Great chapter, where is the next one. Is it done yet? Probably not, but I don't have anything better to do!:lol:

kinza
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by kinza » Sun Jan 19, 2014 4:56 am

I like it, thanks =)

sCRuLooSe
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Re: Shifters, test chapter.

Post by sCRuLooSe » Mon Jan 20, 2014 5:07 pm

This reminds me a bit of the Old World of Darkness setting for Werewolves. A new Garou expresses, especially one with a special bloodline, inheritance, or fate and governments, hunters, tribes, BSD, and/or mages pursue. Your tendency to like half animal expressing main characters as exhibited in both the Sennadar universe and Walker series manifests itself.

I think you did a good job expressing a likeable character with a strong sense of ethics, family, heritage, athletic ability, and a mysterious fate. I liked the use of a Spanish background to expand the character’s world view and give the readers an extra way to understand the character. His youth, inexperience, and confusion felt a bit underplayed. Rafael seemed to be a bit too mature even with his background of being forced to grow up too fast. More self-doubt and teenage weaknesses in character may be useful to plot future character growth. As for his father, it seemed odd that Rafael did not seem more obsessed over his paternal heritage given his family background. Even though he did not have enough information to try to find his father, he should still feel strongly about the missing father figure.

The human agents reminded me of the US agents in Earthbond. Overall the organization seemed competent but a bit out of their league. I do not know if that is deliberate, but the result is that the humans do not seem to be a strong faction for either protagonist or antagonist. Truthfully we do not have a good feel in the test chapter who or what the eventual good guys and bad guys will be, just that there will be one. A couple of potential factions have been casually referenced, Ae, Jinn, Arcadians, Shifters, and human supernatural response teams. However, at this point, all we know is that the last consider Arcadians bad guys and that the Shifters are related to the Arcadians is some way. I would like to see a little more indication who to root for and who to boo, although that might be awaiting a future chapter. More importantly, I would like to see indication that there are either more factions or a lot of internal fracturing within each faction. Having one big bad can be fun, but I like your stories better when there are a huge number of potential or actual antagonists in waiting that the main characters need to be worry about.

I liked the chapter and think it will be a great read once it is ready. Thank you!

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