Jokes Thread

[Spec8472]

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[Spec8472]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: 'What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!'

[Spec8472]

Bloke walks into a PC shop and says to the guy behind the counter, "Hey man I'm looking for a hard drive. Can you recommend me one?"

Bloke behind the counter says, "Yeah, how about Perth to Townsville in a Datsun 120Y?"

(For those in the US: A comparable distance would be Seattle, WA to Miami, FL in a Ford Pinto. Except if it were desert the entire way.)

[garion]

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

now thats a pun (groan)

[garion]

A single man and his six year old son are playing outside. It's a few weeks before Christmas, and the Dad asks his son what he wants. "I'd like a big yellow Tonka dump truck. I saw a commercial on the TV and I want a big yellow Tonka dump truck for Christmas!"

The dad thinks that this is a good gift for a six year old boy, after all, he had one when he was a kid. He asks, "Hmm, good idea. Is there anything else you'd like?"

"Well dad, it'd be really cool if you could fill the bed of the truck with ping pong balls. Just load it right up."

The dad thinks this is pretty harmless, he's past the age where he'll eat anything he can pick up, so why not? Christmas morning comes, the son goes downstairs and there it is! A big yellow Tonka dump truck with a big red bow on it. And sure enough, the bed is full of ping pong balls.

The son is ecstatic. "Wow thanks Dad! This is great I love you!" The dad is happy that his son is happy, and helps him get dressed so he can go play outside with his new toy.

After an hour the dad goes outside to check on his son. The kid is still outside playing, but the dad notices something strange. All of the ping pong balls are gone. "No big deal," he says to himself, "They probably just fell out and are buried somewhere. There weren't a whole lot of 'em, no great loss."

Flash forward six years. It's getting to be around Christmas time again, and the dad asks his son what he'd like for Christmas. "Well Dad," says the son, "I'd really like a BMX bike. All my friends have one, and they can do all these neat tricks and I want to do that too! And maybe I could get a paper route and earn some money of my own!"

"That's a great idea," says the dad, who had a paper route and a bike of his own when he was twelve. "Anything else I could get ya?"

"Well dad, it'd be really cool if you could get a basket for the bike, and fill it with ping pong balls."

The dad thinks that's a bit odd, but it doesn't really matter since the basket could be used to hold newspapers too. Christmas morning comes, and the son goes downstairs to see a shiny new BMX bike! And there on the front is a basket full of ping pong balls! Again the kid is ecstatic, and he gives his dad a big hug.

"Thanks dad! This is the best gift ever thank you so much! I can't wait to start learning how to do tricks on this thing."

The kid goes outside to ride his new bike. After an hour he comes back, and the dad goes outside to check on the bike. It's just fine, but all the ping pong balls are missing from the basket. "No big deal," he says to himself. "The street is pretty bumpy, they probably bounced out while he was popping wheelies or something."

Fast forward another six years. The son is now eighteen and a senior in high school. He and his dad have been fixing up an old Camaro in the garage, and it's almost complete. It's two weeks until Christmas, and while they're out in the garage the dad turns to his son and says "Hey son, for Christmas this year I'm gonna let you have this car. You've put a lot of work into it, and you've put a whole lot of work into school. All I ask is you keep your grades up."

"Woah, really Dad!? You're gonna let me have this car? I can't believe it!" says the son.

"Well believe it boy, it's yours. Anything else I can get ya to make it even better?"

"Well Dad, it'd be awesome if you could...fill the car with ping pong balls. Every nook and cranny, wherever there is empty space. In the glove box, in the trunk, the engine compartment, everywhere! Totally packed with ping pong balls."

The dad thinks this is pretty drat strange, but his son is a straight-A student and a captain of the lacrosse team, so he figures he might as well oblige. Christmas morning comes and the son goes to the garage to see a beautifully restored 1969 Camaro, packed to the ceiling with ping pong balls. Thousands of ping pong balls, everywhere there was empty space, as promised. Under the seats, inside the air vents, surrounding the engine, packed into the trunk.

"Holy cow THANKS Dad! This is truly the best Christmas ever! EXACTLY what I wanted!" shouts the son, his dad is beaming with pride.

"Take her out for a spin son, you deserve it."

The kid opens the car's door and ping pong balls come falling out. He scrunches his way into the car, turns it on, and with a wave to his dad pulls out of the garage and takes his new(ish) car out for a drive. He comes back an hour later, and while he's watching TV his dad goes out to the garage to check on the car. Sure enough, all the ping pong balls are gone. There isn't a drat one, not even in the glove box. The dad is kinda pissed, he spent quite a bit of money on all those ping pong balls.

"Son, where the hell did all those ping pong balls go? There were over ten thousand of 'em, and they disappeared in an hour! What's going on? I've been giving you ping pong balls at Christmas for years and you always make them disappear in an hour!"

"Dad, Dad, Dad, don't worry about it. No big deal, I'll explain later. I know it was expensive and I'm sorry, but please don't be mad. You're the best dad a kid could ask for, and I love you." This calms down the dad, after all, he's a big softie when it comes to his kid.

Fast forward another six years. The son is now twenty-four and is moving into his brand-new apartment with his girlfriend. His dad is helping him move his stuff in to the place, and they've finally finished unloading the last box. The dad turns to his son and says,

"Son, you are my pride and joy, and you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You graduated in the top of your class and have a great job at one of the best law firms in the country. You have a wonderful girlfriend who I would very much like to be my daughter-in-law, and you two have this nice apartment with a gorgeous view. Is there anything, anything at all I can do to make this more special for you?"

"Well Dad," the son replies. "There's one thing..."

"Just name it," says his dad, "and it's yours."

"I'd really, really appreciate it if you could fill our entire apartment with ping pong balls. Floor to ceiling, in every drawer, under every chair, in every closet. Completely packed with ping pong balls."

"Huh. Well, okay, I guess. I can't see the harm in that, even though it's an odd request. Consider it done."

The next day the son and his dad go to the apartment, and when the front door is opened they are greeted by a flood of ping pong balls. Looking inside the son can see ping pong balls everywhere. He's overjoyed.

"Holy poo poo Dad, this is awesome! Are they everywhere, just like I asked?"

"Well of course they are, Son," says the dad. "In bowls in the cupboard, in the washing mashine, in the reservoir and basin of the toilet. There are ping pong balls in the oven, microwave, dryer and dishwasher. Every available space, because I love you."

The son, with tears in his eyes hugs his father. "Thank you so much," he whispers.

"I need to go run some errands, I'll be back in a bit." says the dad. He goes off and does what he needs to do, then comes back an hour later. As he walks into the apartment, he notices all the ping pong balls are gone. He freaks out. Frantically searching everywhere, he cannot find a single goddamn ping pong ball. The apartment is totally devoid of ping pong balls. Seeing as how he spent a whole lot of money on these, he's pissed.

"Okay son, where the gently caress are the ping pong balls? I was only gone for an hour, there's no WAY you could get rid of all of them that fast. Where did they go? What the hell is going on? Answer me!"

"Dad, you need to relax," the son calmly responds. "Please, I beg of you, don't worry about that. Just head on home and I'll explain everything soon, I promise. I love you Dad."

So the dad drives home and occupies his mind with some housework. A couple months go by and he finds himself sitting at home one evening, reading a book while the TV is on for background noise. He gets a phone call, one no parent ever wants to get.

It's the local hospital, informing him that his son was hit by a drunk driver and is now in critical condition in the ICU. He suffered severe injuries and needed surgery to try and fix all the internal bleeding and damage to his organs. There is a good chance he won't survive much longer. Panicked, the dad drives down and spends two sleepless night at his son's bedside, waiting for him to wake up.

When his son finally does awake, he smiles at his dad and says hello. With tears of joy streaming down his face the dad kisses his son's forehead, and asks how he feels.

"Pretty lovely," answers the son. He smiles then coughs a little. "How are you holding up, Dad? You look like Hell."

"I feel like it, you scared the crap out of me. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

"Heh, don't be so glum Dad, you're always worrying to much. I'll be fine," says the son. "You look like you want to ask me something though."

Always impressed by how perceptive his son is, the dad answers: "Well yeah, actually. Something that's been bugging me for years, and I'm hoping you can finally shed some light on the subject."

"For years, you've asked for a normal Christmas present. And then you'd ask for an ever-increasing amount of ping pong balls. At first I thought it was just a little quirk, but you always managed to make them disappear within an hour of recieving them. I've bought more ping pong balls than I could count for you, yet you don't keep any of them. You've always been a good kid, never in any sort of trouble, so I wasn't too worried, but it's still really drat strange. I'm not mad about all the money I've spent, I'm just curious at this point. So what's been happening with these ping pong balls all these years?"

Spoiler

Show

The son looks up at his father, says "Well Dad..." and then dies.

that is not right funny but just not right

[dellstart]

http://www.commonplacebook.com/jokes/fu ... yhtml.shtm

my students and kids love them. puns galore! Read at your own risk. lol

[bigthunder]

Here are a few good new years resalutions for cats. http://humour.200ok.com.au/cat_resolutions.html 5th or 6th from the botttom is the best one

[dellstart]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
5. I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
6. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
7. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
8. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
9. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
10. I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

[Spec8472]

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I used to be indecisive, but now im not so sure

[Fiferguy]

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no-eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no penis? Still no-fu#@$%^-eye deer.

[MommyDoom]

A lady of about 45 comes in to the doctor's office and she tells him,
"Doctor, I haven't had sex in I don't know how long. My husband just doesn't seem interested anymore. What am I gonna do? If I don't get laid soon I think I'm gonna die!"

The doctor looks at her and he says,
"Well, there's this new drug on the market. I haven't prescribed it yet, but we'll see how it goes. Now. Tonight at dinner you put one by his plate and you tell him it's a Vitamin. I'll call you in a few days and see how things are working out."

So she gets this prescription filled, goes home, and makes up a nice dinner for Himself. And, just like the doctor told her, she puts a pill by his plate and tells him it's a vitamin. He pops it and doesn't think twice.

Now the next morning she wakes up and the first thought on her mind is, "GOD IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK!" but then she gets to thinking more and, being the horny wench she is, what would happen if she used a few more?

So that night she drops a few in his drink, and puts one by his plate... which he dutifully swallows. The next morning she wakes up and says, "OH GOD I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS EVEN POSSIBLE!"

And what does the crazy woman do then? She take the rest of the bottle, mashes them up in his dinner, drops them in his water and his coffee, and puts one by his plate. And he takes it all down.

Now the next day the doctor called to check on progress, just like he said he would. The little boy answered the phone.

Doctor: Hello son, this is Dr. SoandSo. Is your Mommy home?

Son: Nope. Mom's dead, the dog's mutilated, and Dad's outside callin' "kitty kitty kitty!"

[heustess]

I used to be indecisive, but now im not so sure

I keep meaning to join Procrastinators Anonymous. Maybe I will do it tomorrow.

[Fiferguy]

What do you call a man with no legs and no arms floating in water? Bob.

(bad, I know)

[Spec8472]

What do you call a man with no legs and no arms floating in water? Bob.

(bad, I know)

What do you call a man with a shovel? Doug.

What do you call a man down a rabbit hole? Warren

What do you call a man rolling in a pile of leaves? Russell

What do you call a 300 pound, 6.5 foot tall guy from the pacific islands? Sir, (or "Whatever he wants to be called").

[Fiferguy]

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints!

The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big guy looks down and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."